Snippets

          Recently, I got a second degree burn on my left leg because of a motorcycle ride. It was too painful and unbearable for days, I even had to wear dresses for two weeks so it can heal well (imagine the inconvenience) and I had to mend it day and night. Now, it's nothing but a scar. It isn't painful anymore but whenever I look at it, it reminds me of the pain and the things I had to endure for it to heal. The process I had to go through is very similar to my struggle of moving on. Yes, I am still full of anger and pain, but time will come, the "wounds" will heal. Many things may still remind me of it but in time, I'll be okay. I hope that will be soon. 

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      I am enjoying extreme adventures. Just last March, I had to go to the mountains of Tanay, Rizal for a shoot for our show, Home Base. Sir Marc Soong of Land Rover Philippines helped us and even let us experience off-roading while riding his Defender. The adrenaline rush was just so addicting! We also did some gun shooting, which was also a first for me. It was definitely not a typical Tuesday and I would like to do it again and again, or maybe try cliff diving or bungee jumping soon. 

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       I'm already 26 and I'm really don't know if I'm in the right path, career-wise. I am loving my new job, but what I really want to do is help people. Sometimes, I am so tempted to take risks but I don't know if it would be worth it, if I would be able to do what I really want to do, if I would really be able to serve people and make use of my life. 

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Memoir

I will always remember the first moment I saw you.

I was a bit drenched due to rain and as I entered the coffee shop. you were at the center table.

And you gave me that sweet side smile that made the moment stop for a while.

Two days, yes we were just given two days.

And you always tell me you wish you met me earlier, but I believe that people always meet at the right time.

And people always leave at the right time that always seemed wrong, but they always have a choice to come back.

Same choice that's now given to you.

We have no promises, just hopes and plans.

Come what may, I'll always be glad I met you.

And your smile will always be my favorite.

Flashbacks

His face that turns wacky before he laughs, then the sound of his laughter reverberates in the room.

His smile that is too wide and bright that I don't even need the sun to shine on me.

The way he holds my hand firmly even if we are walking among a busy crowd.

The times he would sleep like a baby as I cradle his head.

Those instances he would just stop me from whatever I'm doing because he wants to have a moment with me.

That morning on his birthday in Vietnam when we woke up early to catch the sunrise but I was too sleepy he just hugged me tight. not needing to say a word.

These moments are just some that come back to me at times: while riding the jeepney, in the middle of a shoot, while I'm laughing with my friends, when I'm too dizzy for having different drinks, when I wake up, when I'm trying to fall asleep.

These are wonderful moments that are like double edge swords; moments that I would never forget, but also moments that I want to forget because my heart feels crushed everything I remember.

I want to rip off every memory off my chest.

The pain just won't go away. Why.

Raw

      It has just been a week after the most cruel day of the year, and the pain makes it seem that I've been this way for months. I've been going out with friends daily, trying to conceal the tears for now, listening to their stories instead and sharing moments with them so I wouldn't really feel how sad I am.

It is such a struggle everyday, knowing he won't be with me for the next days, months and years of my life. I never saw this coming, that we would part ways because I really believed in us.

I still do. The feeling is too strong I don't know if it would ever go away. I have never loved anyone this much, I love him with my whole heart and soul. I thought that was enough. I though I was enough.

I don't know if I should blame him for all that I'm enduring right now, I know he really loved me, I just don't know when and why his feelings just suddenly fluctuated, wavered. It is painful not to know, and it would also be painful if I would get the answers. Because in the end, one thing would still be true, he stopped loving me when I know I would never stop loving him.

I just want all the pain to go away, I cry and pray every night, praying that I could get through every day, knowing that I've lost him.

In time, the pain that cuts right through my heart will heal. Maybe not soon, but I believe in time I'll be okay.

Sayonara

         It's always harder when I have just woken up, the first seconds of consciousness where the truth creeps in, chasing my nightmare: he's gone. He's not just far away, he's not just out of reach- he's out of my life.

But it's always hardest when it's almost midnight and all I have are our moments, moments that are just memories, and knowing that they would stay that way, we can never share new ones, and that I would have to face another morning without him.

As my vision blurs with tears, I stare into darkness and ask myself again and again: What did I do wrong? Wasn't my love enough? What did I do to him to deserve all this pain?

I ask and ask, and I don't get any answers, until my mind retires and I fall into deep, haunted slumber.

And then I wake up again. It's a painful cycle that I have to go through everyday until I don't know when.


It was an unexpected Monday when I met him for the first time , it was also a Monday when he shattered me and said it's over.

He let go of me, as if not remembering every promise he made, every plan in life that we did together. Like he never knew how broken I was in the past when he picked me up, made me whole again.

I begged him to stay, for us to try to hold on, believing that we could make it. He didn't want to. He didn't believe in us as much as I did. He didn't love me enough to fight for me, to fight for us.

I can never understand why it was so easy for him to let go.

I risked my heart, because I believe and trust him with my whole being. None of it makes sense now.

I don't how long I'd feel this lost, how long I'd be this broken.

But just like the sun embraced by darkness everyday, someday  it would make sense as to why he left me...
Why he came into my life and made me believe in love again, and why he chose to leave and took that hope away...
Why he said goodbye when all I wanted was to love him for the rest of our lives.

But for now, I would have to endure the darkness, until I find my own light again.

Hanggang sa Muli

   

  Tatlong araw na lang akong papasok sa trabaho, tatlong araw na lang at tapos na ang yugto ng buhay ko sa GMA.

Hindi ko alam na ganito pala kahirap magpaalam, hindi ko alam na ganito pala kasakit at nakalulumbay na maalala ang halos limang taon kong pananatili sa GMA na itinuring ko nang ikalawang tahanan.

Hindi ko makalilimutan ang ika-26 ng Abril ng taong 2010. Wala pang isang buwan mula nang nagtapos ako sa UST ng kursong Journalism nang magsimula ako GMA.

Magkahalong kaba at pananabik ang naramdaman ko noon. Kaba dahil hindi ako marunong magsulat ng script, gumamit ng mga makina at wala akong kakilala sa trabaho. Nakapananabik dahil hindi ko inakalang makakapagtrabaho ako sa isa sa pinakamalaking broadcasting company sa Pilipinas.

Hindi naging madali ang bawat araw, pero napakarami kong natutunan at nakasalamuhang tao.

Sa simula ay marami ka talagang ‘di makakasundo, mga taong hahamakin ang iyong talento, mga taong susubukan kung gaano kahaba ang iyong pasensya.

Pero nagpapasalamat ako sa kanila dahil tinulungan nila akong maging matatag,  maging propesyunal sa trabaho at gawin ang lahat para patunayan ang aking kakayanan.

Marami rin akong nakilala sa GMA na hindi ko inakalang ituturing kong matalik na kaibigan, ituturing kong para ko na ring kapamilya, at hindi ko inakalang makakapagturo sa akin ng aral sa buhay at sa trabaho.

Unang una, maraming salamat po Madam Queenie, sa pagbubukas ng mga pinto ng GMA para sa isang baguhan na tulad ko. Salamat po sa pagtitiwala, sa pagbibigay sa akin ng mga pagsubok at oportunidad para lalo kong galingan sa trabaho. Salamat sa pagpapatawad sa mga pagkakamali at pagkukulang. Salamat sa pagiging mapagmahal na boss at pagiging ina sa aming mga writer. Masakit pong mahiwalay sa inyo agad pero hinding hindi ko po kayo makakalimutan. Kayo pa rin ang nag-iisang inang reyna para sa akin.

Kay ate Xien at Ali, hindi sapat ang pasasalamat sa lahat ng pinagsamahan natin. Salamat sa pagtitiis n’yo sa kakulitan at pagiging antukin ko. Salamat sa pagtatiyaga sa pagtuturo sa akin. Salamat sa pagkakakaibigan at pagiging tila mga kapatid ko sa newsroom. Magkakahiwalay na tayo ng landas pero alam kong magkikita pa tayo.

Sa QRT Remote team, salamat sa pagtitiwala sa kakayahan ko, salamat sa hindi pagbitaw sa akin at pagsalo sa mga panahon na wala akong ginawa kundi umiyak at magalit sa mundo. Isa na talagang tayong pamilya at hindi na mababago ‘yun.

Sa Alupihang Dagat girls na mga una kong naging kaibigan sa GMA, salamat dahil ginawa n’yong makulay, masaya at kapana-panabik ang bawat araw sa newsroom. Hindi siguro ako nagtagal sa kumpanya kundi dahil sa inyo. Alam kong kahit kailan ay hindi magbabago ang ating pinagsamahan.

Sa Subselfie, salamat sa pagkakaibigan, sa mga press conference tungkol sa mga isyu natin sa buhay at trabaho, sa pagiging life at work support, at salamat sa pagkakataon para maibalik ko ang pagmamahal ko sa pagsusulat. Mahal ko kayo bilang mga kapatid.

Sa News To Go All Stars, kahit hindi tayo masyadong nagkakasama, alam kong tila may malaking magnet na magbubuklod sa ating lahat. Sana maging matagumpay tayo sa mga landas na pinili nating tahakin.

Sa Tinderellas, salamat sa suporta, sa pakikinig sa bawat kwento, sa pagbibigay ng lakas na harapin lahat ng laban sa buhay. 

Kay Nanay Ana, hindi ko man po kayo nakilala sa mga unang taon ko sa GMA pero nagpapasalamat po ako na itinuring n‘yo rin akong inyong anak, salamat po sa pakikinig sa mga kwento, sa mga yakap at pagpunas n’yo sa aking mga luha. Salamat po sa pagtuturo at pagmamahal.

Kay sir Jiggy, maraming salamat po sa pagtuturo sa akin ng mga pasikot-sikot sa buhay media, sa pagtitiwala, sa lahat ng pagsubok. Hindi po ako magiging ganito katatag at katiyaga sa trabaho kundi dahil sa inyo. Isang malaking karangalan po na naging sidekick n’yo ako ng mahigit dalawang taon. Sana po ay marami pang dumating na biyaya sa iyong buhay.

Kay sir Howie at Ma’am Kara, salamat po sa lahat ng aral, sa pagtitiwala sa mga interview at sa pagtuturo sa akin na maraming kailangang pagdaanan bago makamit ang mga mithiin sa buhay. Mabuhay po kayong dalawa.

Sa lahat ng nakatrabaho ko sa News on Q, sa News To Go at QRT, maging sa mga nakilala ko sa iba’t ibang programa at departamento, salamat sa samahan, sa mga kulitan, sa pagtitiwala at sa pagkakaibigan. Hinding hindi ko kayo makakalimutan.

Salamat sa lahat ng mga nakasalamuha ko sa GMA na naging dahilan kung bakit mas minahal ko ang aking trabaho.

Hindi ako iiyak dahil sa aking pag-alis, mas pinipili kong bitbitin ang mga magagandang alaala at aking mga natutunan.

Dito man natatapos ang aking kwento, pero hindi rito natatapos ang laban.

Paalam GMA, hanggang sa muli nating pagkikita.

New Leaf

 It had been almost a year since I last posted here, and A LOT has happened in my life. I never expected all of these but as they've said, no matter how you can't understand, things happen for a reason.

     Before my birthday last January, I made one of the biggest decisions in my entire life. I gave up on one of the things I loved, one thing I've committed my whole heart to- I resigned as the remote producer for GMA News TV Quick Response Team. I cried for months before that, I didn't want to let go. It was the only job that I've wanted since I got in GMA, the people I am with every day became my family but I had to make a choice.

      I would never forget the man who mentored me through all of those years, the person who showed me how to be passionate with my work, the man who showed me how to flap my wings. I must admit I still miss field work, I miss him and the whole team. I hope someday I'd still get the chance. I am just glad the team also keeps in touch with me.

I then gained a new family, people I'm friends with in and out of the newsroom- Subselfie.  They're a group of intelligent, witty, crazy people, and a big part of my sanity despite my difficult work and personal problems. Eight people who mold me, hurt me, make my laugh and just help me grow; eight people who have become the rays of my sun.

Then, I met Kev. Now I'm speechless. Words are not enough to express how he turned my crazy quarter-life crisis phase upside down. He's the most beautiful surprise. He tore down the walls I've locked myself in, he pulled me out from my misery and taught me how to love again. It may be cliche but it's true. He's the reason why I am no longer afraid of the future. He's the love of my life and I'm thankful every day that God blessed me with such a loving person.

In life, we lose some, we win some. This year had been a really bumpy roller coaster ride but I believe all of these experiences only made me stronger. I may not be sure what would happen in the next days, month and years, but I have in faith in Him that things will get even better.