Snippets

          Recently, I got a second degree burn on my left leg because of a motorcycle ride. It was too painful and unbearable for days, I even had to wear dresses for two weeks so it can heal well (imagine the inconvenience) and I had to mend it day and night. Now, it's nothing but a scar. It isn't painful anymore but whenever I look at it, it reminds me of the pain and the things I had to endure for it to heal. The process I had to go through is very similar to my struggle of moving on. Yes, I am still full of anger and pain, but time will come, the "wounds" will heal. Many things may still remind me of it but in time, I'll be okay. I hope that will be soon. 

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      I am enjoying extreme adventures. Just last March, I had to go to the mountains of Tanay, Rizal for a shoot for our show, Home Base. Sir Marc Soong of Land Rover Philippines helped us and even let us experience off-roading while riding his Defender. The adrenaline rush was just so addicting! We also did some gun shooting, which was also a first for me. It was definitely not a typical Tuesday and I would like to do it again and again, or maybe try cliff diving or bungee jumping soon. 

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       I'm already 26 and I'm really don't know if I'm in the right path, career-wise. I am loving my new job, but what I really want to do is help people. Sometimes, I am so tempted to take risks but I don't know if it would be worth it, if I would be able to do what I really want to do, if I would really be able to serve people and make use of my life. 

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Memoir

I will always remember the first moment I saw you.

I was a bit drenched due to rain and as I entered the coffee shop. you were at the center table.

And you gave me that sweet side smile that made the moment stop for a while.

Two days, yes we were just given two days.

And you always tell me you wish you met me earlier, but I believe that people always meet at the right time.

And people always leave at the right time that always seemed wrong, but they always have a choice to come back.

Same choice that's now given to you.

We have no promises, just hopes and plans.

Come what may, I'll always be glad I met you.

And your smile will always be my favorite.

Flashbacks

His face that turns wacky before he laughs, then the sound of his laughter reverberates in the room.

His smile that is too wide and bright that I don't even need the sun to shine on me.

The way he holds my hand firmly even if we are walking among a busy crowd.

The times he would sleep like a baby as I cradle his head.

Those instances he would just stop me from whatever I'm doing because he wants to have a moment with me.

That morning on his birthday in Vietnam when we woke up early to catch the sunrise but I was too sleepy he just hugged me tight. not needing to say a word.

These moments are just some that come back to me at times: while riding the jeepney, in the middle of a shoot, while I'm laughing with my friends, when I'm too dizzy for having different drinks, when I wake up, when I'm trying to fall asleep.

These are wonderful moments that are like double edge swords; moments that I would never forget, but also moments that I want to forget because my heart feels crushed everything I remember.

I want to rip off every memory off my chest.

The pain just won't go away. Why.

Raw

      It has just been a week after the most cruel day of the year, and the pain makes it seem that I've been this way for months. I've been going out with friends daily, trying to conceal the tears for now, listening to their stories instead and sharing moments with them so I wouldn't really feel how sad I am.

It is such a struggle everyday, knowing he won't be with me for the next days, months and years of my life. I never saw this coming, that we would part ways because I really believed in us.

I still do. The feeling is too strong I don't know if it would ever go away. I have never loved anyone this much, I love him with my whole heart and soul. I thought that was enough. I though I was enough.

I don't know if I should blame him for all that I'm enduring right now, I know he really loved me, I just don't know when and why his feelings just suddenly fluctuated, wavered. It is painful not to know, and it would also be painful if I would get the answers. Because in the end, one thing would still be true, he stopped loving me when I know I would never stop loving him.

I just want all the pain to go away, I cry and pray every night, praying that I could get through every day, knowing that I've lost him.

In time, the pain that cuts right through my heart will heal. Maybe not soon, but I believe in time I'll be okay.

Sayonara

         It's always harder when I have just woken up, the first seconds of consciousness where the truth creeps in, chasing my nightmare: he's gone. He's not just far away, he's not just out of reach- he's out of my life.

But it's always hardest when it's almost midnight and all I have are our moments, moments that are just memories, and knowing that they would stay that way, we can never share new ones, and that I would have to face another morning without him.

As my vision blurs with tears, I stare into darkness and ask myself again and again: What did I do wrong? Wasn't my love enough? What did I do to him to deserve all this pain?

I ask and ask, and I don't get any answers, until my mind retires and I fall into deep, haunted slumber.

And then I wake up again. It's a painful cycle that I have to go through everyday until I don't know when.


It was an unexpected Monday when I met him for the first time , it was also a Monday when he shattered me and said it's over.

He let go of me, as if not remembering every promise he made, every plan in life that we did together. Like he never knew how broken I was in the past when he picked me up, made me whole again.

I begged him to stay, for us to try to hold on, believing that we could make it. He didn't want to. He didn't believe in us as much as I did. He didn't love me enough to fight for me, to fight for us.

I can never understand why it was so easy for him to let go.

I risked my heart, because I believe and trust him with my whole being. None of it makes sense now.

I don't how long I'd feel this lost, how long I'd be this broken.

But just like the sun embraced by darkness everyday, someday  it would make sense as to why he left me...
Why he came into my life and made me believe in love again, and why he chose to leave and took that hope away...
Why he said goodbye when all I wanted was to love him for the rest of our lives.

But for now, I would have to endure the darkness, until I find my own light again.

Hanggang sa Muli

   

  Tatlong araw na lang akong papasok sa trabaho, tatlong araw na lang at tapos na ang yugto ng buhay ko sa GMA.

Hindi ko alam na ganito pala kahirap magpaalam, hindi ko alam na ganito pala kasakit at nakalulumbay na maalala ang halos limang taon kong pananatili sa GMA na itinuring ko nang ikalawang tahanan.

Hindi ko makalilimutan ang ika-26 ng Abril ng taong 2010. Wala pang isang buwan mula nang nagtapos ako sa UST ng kursong Journalism nang magsimula ako GMA.

Magkahalong kaba at pananabik ang naramdaman ko noon. Kaba dahil hindi ako marunong magsulat ng script, gumamit ng mga makina at wala akong kakilala sa trabaho. Nakapananabik dahil hindi ko inakalang makakapagtrabaho ako sa isa sa pinakamalaking broadcasting company sa Pilipinas.

Hindi naging madali ang bawat araw, pero napakarami kong natutunan at nakasalamuhang tao.

Sa simula ay marami ka talagang ‘di makakasundo, mga taong hahamakin ang iyong talento, mga taong susubukan kung gaano kahaba ang iyong pasensya.

Pero nagpapasalamat ako sa kanila dahil tinulungan nila akong maging matatag,  maging propesyunal sa trabaho at gawin ang lahat para patunayan ang aking kakayanan.

Marami rin akong nakilala sa GMA na hindi ko inakalang ituturing kong matalik na kaibigan, ituturing kong para ko na ring kapamilya, at hindi ko inakalang makakapagturo sa akin ng aral sa buhay at sa trabaho.

Unang una, maraming salamat po Madam Queenie, sa pagbubukas ng mga pinto ng GMA para sa isang baguhan na tulad ko. Salamat po sa pagtitiwala, sa pagbibigay sa akin ng mga pagsubok at oportunidad para lalo kong galingan sa trabaho. Salamat sa pagpapatawad sa mga pagkakamali at pagkukulang. Salamat sa pagiging mapagmahal na boss at pagiging ina sa aming mga writer. Masakit pong mahiwalay sa inyo agad pero hinding hindi ko po kayo makakalimutan. Kayo pa rin ang nag-iisang inang reyna para sa akin.

Kay ate Xien at Ali, hindi sapat ang pasasalamat sa lahat ng pinagsamahan natin. Salamat sa pagtitiis n’yo sa kakulitan at pagiging antukin ko. Salamat sa pagtatiyaga sa pagtuturo sa akin. Salamat sa pagkakakaibigan at pagiging tila mga kapatid ko sa newsroom. Magkakahiwalay na tayo ng landas pero alam kong magkikita pa tayo.

Sa QRT Remote team, salamat sa pagtitiwala sa kakayahan ko, salamat sa hindi pagbitaw sa akin at pagsalo sa mga panahon na wala akong ginawa kundi umiyak at magalit sa mundo. Isa na talagang tayong pamilya at hindi na mababago ‘yun.

Sa Alupihang Dagat girls na mga una kong naging kaibigan sa GMA, salamat dahil ginawa n’yong makulay, masaya at kapana-panabik ang bawat araw sa newsroom. Hindi siguro ako nagtagal sa kumpanya kundi dahil sa inyo. Alam kong kahit kailan ay hindi magbabago ang ating pinagsamahan.

Sa Subselfie, salamat sa pagkakaibigan, sa mga press conference tungkol sa mga isyu natin sa buhay at trabaho, sa pagiging life at work support, at salamat sa pagkakataon para maibalik ko ang pagmamahal ko sa pagsusulat. Mahal ko kayo bilang mga kapatid.

Sa News To Go All Stars, kahit hindi tayo masyadong nagkakasama, alam kong tila may malaking magnet na magbubuklod sa ating lahat. Sana maging matagumpay tayo sa mga landas na pinili nating tahakin.

Sa Tinderellas, salamat sa suporta, sa pakikinig sa bawat kwento, sa pagbibigay ng lakas na harapin lahat ng laban sa buhay. 

Kay Nanay Ana, hindi ko man po kayo nakilala sa mga unang taon ko sa GMA pero nagpapasalamat po ako na itinuring n‘yo rin akong inyong anak, salamat po sa pakikinig sa mga kwento, sa mga yakap at pagpunas n’yo sa aking mga luha. Salamat po sa pagtuturo at pagmamahal.

Kay sir Jiggy, maraming salamat po sa pagtuturo sa akin ng mga pasikot-sikot sa buhay media, sa pagtitiwala, sa lahat ng pagsubok. Hindi po ako magiging ganito katatag at katiyaga sa trabaho kundi dahil sa inyo. Isang malaking karangalan po na naging sidekick n’yo ako ng mahigit dalawang taon. Sana po ay marami pang dumating na biyaya sa iyong buhay.

Kay sir Howie at Ma’am Kara, salamat po sa lahat ng aral, sa pagtitiwala sa mga interview at sa pagtuturo sa akin na maraming kailangang pagdaanan bago makamit ang mga mithiin sa buhay. Mabuhay po kayong dalawa.

Sa lahat ng nakatrabaho ko sa News on Q, sa News To Go at QRT, maging sa mga nakilala ko sa iba’t ibang programa at departamento, salamat sa samahan, sa mga kulitan, sa pagtitiwala at sa pagkakaibigan. Hinding hindi ko kayo makakalimutan.

Salamat sa lahat ng mga nakasalamuha ko sa GMA na naging dahilan kung bakit mas minahal ko ang aking trabaho.

Hindi ako iiyak dahil sa aking pag-alis, mas pinipili kong bitbitin ang mga magagandang alaala at aking mga natutunan.

Dito man natatapos ang aking kwento, pero hindi rito natatapos ang laban.

Paalam GMA, hanggang sa muli nating pagkikita.

New Leaf

 It had been almost a year since I last posted here, and A LOT has happened in my life. I never expected all of these but as they've said, no matter how you can't understand, things happen for a reason.

     Before my birthday last January, I made one of the biggest decisions in my entire life. I gave up on one of the things I loved, one thing I've committed my whole heart to- I resigned as the remote producer for GMA News TV Quick Response Team. I cried for months before that, I didn't want to let go. It was the only job that I've wanted since I got in GMA, the people I am with every day became my family but I had to make a choice.

      I would never forget the man who mentored me through all of those years, the person who showed me how to be passionate with my work, the man who showed me how to flap my wings. I must admit I still miss field work, I miss him and the whole team. I hope someday I'd still get the chance. I am just glad the team also keeps in touch with me.

I then gained a new family, people I'm friends with in and out of the newsroom- Subselfie.  They're a group of intelligent, witty, crazy people, and a big part of my sanity despite my difficult work and personal problems. Eight people who mold me, hurt me, make my laugh and just help me grow; eight people who have become the rays of my sun.

Then, I met Kev. Now I'm speechless. Words are not enough to express how he turned my crazy quarter-life crisis phase upside down. He's the most beautiful surprise. He tore down the walls I've locked myself in, he pulled me out from my misery and taught me how to love again. It may be cliche but it's true. He's the reason why I am no longer afraid of the future. He's the love of my life and I'm thankful every day that God blessed me with such a loving person.

In life, we lose some, we win some. This year had been a really bumpy roller coaster ride but I believe all of these experiences only made me stronger. I may not be sure what would happen in the next days, month and years, but I have in faith in Him that things will get even better.

.

Nakakapanikip ng dibdib. Ang hirap huminga, ang hirap magsalita nang hindi umiiyak.

Alam kong ni wala sa katiting ng sakit na nararamdaman niya yung sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon.

Pero sobrang sakit. Ang sakit sakit talaga.

Hindi ko naman ginustong mangyari 'yun sa kanya. Sa lahat ng taong nakilala ko sa industriyang 'to, siya lang ang hinahangaan ko, yung tipong nilagay ko na sa pedestal. Yung nagsisilbing inspirasyon ko para pumasok araw-araw, magtrabaho nang maayos kasi gusto kong maging katulad niya.

Yung mga dinanas niya, pinagdaanan niya para marating ang kinaroroonan niya ngayon, pinaghirapan niya ng mabuti kaya naman hindi maiiwasan na talagang hangaan siya ng tulad ko.

Kaya nung kinukutsa na siya ng mga tao, masakit din para sa akin kasi alam kong yung isang simpleng pagkakamali, hindi naman maikukumpara sa sipag at tagumpay niya. Yung isang simpleng pagkakamali na yun na pinalaki ng mga tao, hindi maikukumpara sa kredibilidad niya.

Pero wala na akong pagkakataong ipakita sa kanya na hindi mawawala ang paghanga ko sa kanya, na siya pa rin ang pinakamabuting ehemplo sa propesyon ito.

Masakit na hindi mapatawad. Para akong nawalay ng tatay sa sakit.

Pero kung may ipagdarasal man ako ngayon, yun ay yung mawala na yung sakit na nararamdaman niya sa lahat ng nangyari.Sana talaga sa pagdaan ng panahon, maging maayos din ang lahat.

Nostalgia Note # 1

I called you up while I was sitting in front of the building with my friends.

I just kept on complaining and whining that I lost my ID.

I've looked everywhere and I can't find it.

People kept telling me that it's okay, maybe someone might be able to see it and return it to the lost and found section of our college.

So I called to hear what you would say.

So I talked and talked and you were quiet on the other line.

When I stopped speaking, all you said was, "Do you want to get some chocolate sundae later?"

At that moment, my almost permanent frown turned into a sheepish smile.

But I wasn't happy because of the chocolate sundae.

But because the thought that I'd be able to see you and be with you after a long, depressing day is so comforting.

I want those moments back so bad.

 I want you back.

Blurt

(written last June 7, 2012 for no one in particular, I think) 

When I first met you, I couldn't perfectly remember where or how I first saw you. 

Was it when I was flipping through a book and I saw your smile, when I was just 8 and playing garden dinner then you came, stared at me then ran to your dad, or was it when I was standing still on the seashore and smelled you in the wind. 

Well, I don't really know. And I don't really care anymore. 

All I know is you are so familiar I feel like I so belong to you. As you belong to me. Not really owning each other, but just being two souls meant to sit together and watch the whole world change as our hands stay fix holding each other. 

And here we are, lying here while your hand is around my waist. And I couldn't help but stare at you, breathing heavily as your forehead forms crumples anticipating a yawn. Then you opened your eyes and the sun shone on them. Then you smiled at me. 

And I swear music suddenly played on my ears. 

I may not remember how I first saw you, but I swear I know I love you. 

And I could live a hundred years lying here with you and knowing you feel the same. 

Burst

Let's just say I'm near the middle if this dark road, and yet I can see the end of it, it's sunny on that side and I can clearly see it's a dead end. And I still keep on walking towards it.

Tanga 'di ba? Bakit nga ba ako nananatili, alam ko namang walang patutunguhan to.

This isn't about love dahil wala pa'ko sa puntong 'yon, alam ko 'yon sa sarili ko.
But probably, this is something about wanting this to turn into love.

Pwedeng love between the two of us, or probably more of wanting him to learn to love again, kahit hindi na lang para sa'kin.

Again, katangahan na dapat ikagalit ng mga kaibigan. Kaya ko rin hindi masyadong nakakausap mga kaibigan ko talaga, lalo na yung mga alam kong magagalit sa'kin.

I told a friend that I want to be a way to heal his wounds, or  fight whatever's feeding his demons. But my friend told me that I would be hurting myself in the process.

Hindi naman n'ya to hinihiling, I don't even know if this is really what his problem is. Mukhang hindi naman niya ako kailangan. And maybe he's just not that into me.

He always tells me he appreciates me and what I do. I'm pretty tired of just being appreciated.

Maybe it's time to listen to friends and family, listen to these people who care for me, who really know what and who's good for me.

It's time to stop this stupidity. I've made my point that I really want him and I care for him. Maybe it's his turn now.

I gotta go my way.

Mute

It's hard to write when all I have in mind are rants and complaints. It's hard to write when I just want to scream at the top of my lungs or burst into tears.

I'm exhausted. I can't sleep peacefully every night and I wake up every hour. I am always nervous, tensed and I'm always scared of what will tomorrow bring.

I barely talk to people about how I feel, and when I do, I only talk to those who can understand, and who would let me talk endlessly.

I also became inactive online. I'm scared to express how f*cked up my life is right now. My thoughts and emotions are shattered. I am actually having difficulties writing this blog post.

I miss looking forward to every second of every day. Now it feels like I am robbed of my happy thoughts.

Days, please slow down

I've been reading a book, then watching Modern family episodes, then reading again, then watching then reading. I've been doing this since last night and for the past two hours even since I woke up.
I'm usually like this when I'm thinking of something (or someone) that I don't want to think about.

But here it is. I admit, I'm not ready for my birthday on the 27th.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to get old. And besides, that's something inevitable.

It's just that as years go by, it makes me feel that birthdays are becoming less important, or that I don't have the luxury of time to put much importance to it.

I've always been excited for my birthday because it's been always a day that I get to be with the most important people in my life, I get almost all that I want and I get to be the boss. Well, not anymore.

Days happen so fast and there's so much more to do now. It's not like before that I have a whole month to think about what I would do on my birthday or how to celebrate it weekends before.

Now, it's hard to gather people around during weekends because most of us work at different times, and some people that I want to be with on my birthday live millions of miles away.

Then when the day comes, it also happens so fast and poof! Before I know it, it's over and I gave to wait another year to be nothing else but happy.

I only have seven days until my birthday and I still don't know what to do.

I think it would be better to go somewhere far next time so I don't have to think of anything else to do and anyone else to spend it with.

Cut

I don't even know what it is. I didn't even ask him what it was. I guess I was scared. I guess... I was afraid to know the truth.

All I know is that everything felt right at that time.

Seeing him like it's always the first time. Laughing out loud like kids. Talking in different accents. Holding his hands. Holding him. Alternately singing songs.

But somehow, it seems like it's over, like we lost it, whatever it was. Or if we even had anything.

Now there's a gap between us, made up of awkwardness and my confused emotions.

And that's something that I really don't want to happen.

Thinking of all these just kills me.

I can't sleep.

Not good with goodbyes

The title says it all, I am not good with goodbyes.

I was just four years old when my dad went left for the last time to work in Saudi Arabia. I didn't even know where that place was back then so I just smiled as I waved him goodbye. Little did I know, my dad was sobbing inside the taxi, looking at his innocent little girl who wasn't aware that he'd be gone for years.

When my grandmother died when I was about ten years old, I didn't cry when she was removed from the ICU. I was silent all throughout her wake. I only broke down at the side of our car after her burial.

One of my best friends, Charlyn, left for the U.S. when we were in first year college. Our whole barkada was able to take her to the airport yet days had to pass before we realized that we could only hangout with her through Yahoo! Video Chat from then on. (We weren't still aware at that time that Skype existed.)

2008 came and I was in third year college. Edward left for Canada on December 15, his birthday. I wasn't able to take him to the airport since he told me to still attend my classes. I cried outside our classroom that day. I had high fever for a week. I cried for months. I admit I still cry from time to time.

After college, my almost childhood friend Nadine also migrated to Canada. I kept on asking my dad to take me to her house the night before her flight but he refused to. I didn't even get to see her or hug her months before she left.

And just 2 hours ago, one of my best friends, Elle who I've known for more than 10 years, left to move to New York. I can't help but be emotional.

For years, I didn't know how to deal with sadness that came with departure,separation and death.

But as years passed, I've noticed that goodbyes happen everyday, that goodbyes are inevitable.

And in that realization, I've grown accustomed to sadness, embraced it, and translated it to strength.

All that matters now is that I'll always remember all the old hellos I've had with the people who said goodbye.

And who knows, maybe I could say hello to them again soon, and also get new hellos along the way.

Pause

It was two in the morning and you sat in front of me, holding my hand. The moon was weirdly larger and it was staring at us, its glow shining on your eyes that were focused on me. I broke the silence.

"Many years from now, even if we grow apart and live separate lives, in the end I know it would still be you. It would still be us."

You held my hand tighter, gripping it with your emotions. You spoke as if you'd cry.

"I would be the luckiest man if that would still happen."

I smiled at you. But you weren't done.

"But if you end up with another man, you'd invite me to your wedding, right?"

I tried to answer but you pulled me into you within a second, holding me as if you won't even let go, pressing my body against yours.

I couldn't breathe but I didn't mind. I closed my eyes instead as I listened to you cry like a kid while I stifled my tears.

 I wish you let me speak then. I wish you knew it would always be you.

It's time

I wake up to the sound of birds singing at the window of my hotel room and sunlight hitting my tired eyes. It's the twelfth of December, and today's just one of those cold mornings that I have to get used to. I sit up on my bed and stare at my pink dainty dress that's lying on the side table. And I smile at the thought of wearing it today. Or maybe, I don't have to at all.

I wake up to the sound of my family from the other room busily making arrangements for today's occasion, and a message from her. It's the twelfth of December, and today's one of those mornings that I have to face with a heavy feeling on my chest. Mom peeks at my door and tells me to get ready. I stand up even if my knees are wobbling. Here goes nothing. 

I walk to the small kitchen to prepare coffee and a light breakfast for myself. I sit alone, a bit shivering as I put my legs against my chest and hug them. I hold the hot cup of coffee above my knees and stare at the dark liquid. Minutes after, a tear drops on it, and I wipe my face instantly and breathe deeply. This is harder that I thought it would be. 

I take a bath, change into my black slacks and camiso de chino. I stare at the mirror and look intently at myself. I look down at the bedside table and see the box of rings. I hold it tightly, and remember that certain green box that also held two rings years ago. I check my necklace and touch one of the old rings attached to it. My older brother suddenly knocks at my door and tells me... it's time. I smile at myself in the mirror. 

I take a bath, let myself stay in the bath tub longer to relax myself. But I stand up because the cold starts creeping up my veins. I dry myself and look intently in the mirror then walk back to my room. I put on my dress and shoes slowly, walk to the door of my hotel room, hold its knob as I sob endlessly.

I walk outside the beach house and drag myself to get to the other side of the shore. Everyone smiles and looks at me as I pass by the aisle decorated with lilies. I stand beside the altar, look at my feet and fiddle with my fingers. Music suddenly plays and I look up to see her, glowing yet in tears. She knows what is going through my mind. She stands near me, and says everything to me with a painful smile. I smile back and whisper sorry, then I run past her. I hope I'm still not too late. 

I cry in regret for an hour, sitting in front of my door. I cradle myself as I feel stabs of pain through my chest. I lost him once, and I'm losing him again at this very moment. I feel the ring trapped between my dress and skin and I try to hold it when I hear a knock on the door. I gather all the energy I have left to stand up and open it.

I see disbelief and joy all at once on the face of the woman I love when she sees me. I waste no time and I hug her like the first time I did, pressing her body tightly against mine, feeling her heartbeat. We need no words to speak, no explanations to hear.

We may have lost each other before, but I know, we know, this time... it's our time. 

We may have lost each other before, but I know, we know, this time... it's our time.

How can I thank you enough?

I was supposed to write you a handwritten letter for today, but you frankly know that I have really ugly penmanship.  I was supposed to record my message for you but I can't finish it without crying because I am a crybaby so here I am writing a blog for you.

I remember that one day. I think I was still in college then. I was sleeping on the couch that afternoon. I woke up and the first person I saw was you. I think you were chopping some food, or mixing something in a bowl while the sunlight was directly shining on your face. I stared at you for a few seconds then I just noticed tears were flowing on my face. Then you suddenly looked at me and I quickly wiped the tears off of my face and smiled at you. Then you smiled back.

I cried because I suddenly thought "What if this was the last time I get to see you?" And that thought scares the shit out of me though I know time will come that losing you would be inevitable.

 I cried because I was scared of losing you at a time when I still haven't done enough for you.

I know you don't like the idea of people paying you back in kind for any of the things you've done. And I know that all the things you've done for us and the things you still do, you do them selflessly. But I just stop thinking of ways on how I can thank you enough.

I don't know how to thank you for all your sacrifices. For waking up everyday to do things not for yourself but for us. For working and living for us. You just don't get tired of being the greatest mother, you just don't get tired of loving us in any and every way possible.

And your were not just a mother to us. You've been our enemy, good friend, drinking buddy, karaoke mate, doctor, doctor love and our clown. You've been everything a person can wish for as a mom.

I may have made finished school, found a job and took you out to dinners and other places, but I know I can never measure up to the love you've given me, you've given us.  I'll never be enough and I'll never be perfect.

I've hurt you so many times I know. For being lazy,  disobedient, disrespectful. For sometimes not treating you like my mother. And I know you've cried so many times because of me. And I'm sorry if I caused you pain. Please know in your heart that seeing you cry is one of the most painful scenes for me.

 But just like how that one song goes, I hope I make you proud. I hope I make you feel loved. I hope I've lived up to your expectations and made your dreams for me come true because I live for that purpose.

I live to make you happy.

I don't want to make any promises but I hope one day, you'll look at us and you can say to yourself that you have done a great job for raising such wonderful children.

Because for me, I always look up to God and say to Him that I must have done such great things in my past lives to have you as my mom in this lifetime.

I still have a lot of things to say to you but I can't write well with these tears in my eyes. 

Happy, happy Mother's day, Mama! 

Mahal na mahal kita mama, alam mo yan! <3 

Sincere Insanity

Where I am right now is home.

The streets are familiar I could walk around without getting lost. The sun always smiles at me, sometimes a bit too much. My taste buds are so in love with food anywhere near. I have this job that takes up most of the hours of my day yet I don't care because I love it. People I love and care about are here; they are just a phone call or text away.

I am comfortable where I am right now, but you're the only comfort that I want and need.

I don't care if the weather will be colder, or I could get lost in those wide and winding roads. I don't give a damn if food that I love most would not be within my reach or if I have to look for a better way to live. I don't care if I would  miss people from this place as long as you're with me.

I know it's crazy but someday, I want to stop wondering what would happen if I went where you are, if I would do everything to be with you. And I want to know how that feels soon. If God forbids, I will go where you are.

I want to be with you. Home is not home without you. Home is wherever you are.

Rays of my Sun

It's Labor Day, I'm at work and I should actually feel bad because it's a holiday and I'm here. But I'm actually feeling giddy and happy and I'm not like these years ago.

I was an emo kid and I used to cry a lot. I love writing sad posts, listening to sad songs and I love thinking of problems instead of possibilities. But by meeting these people, I learned to be happy.

I met this Kuya when I was in first year college in an event. When I knew him, I seriously didn't know how to smile with my teeth. I hated them because they were so uneven. But he told me I should stop being shy and show people my smile. He said a simple smile could make people happy. And ever since, I've had this weird grin on my face. For some, what he told me may be simple but through his honest remark, he helped me communicate better with people, even with just a goofy, silly smile.

Third year college came, and I met this person through a schoolmate. He taught me two important things that I'd carry in my heart for the rest of my life: The simplicity of love and life. To be happy, you don't always have to buy expensive things, spend a thousand bucks in expensive places and be with famous people. You can always have the best of this world just by surrounding yourself with things and people that make you happy. And you can always find happiness in the simplest things.

Movie marathons and candlelight dinners at home. A day with your whole family. A child's  smile. Your mom's laughter. A petal. Freebies. Your favorite song. A tight hug. Delicious food at home. Fresh air.  These are things that could make you smile. Always take time to take a look around, breathe in and absorb all the positive vibes you can get from the simple things around you. Be in the moment and love every second of it.

Throughout my college life, I got to be with these eleven people. And  whenever I'm with them, I always feel as if God is hugging me tight. The sun is always shining brighter and days were easier to bear. We didn't need vices to keep us happy.  Food, stories, experiences and the thought of being together was more than enough to make us high. They made my life beautiful. They made me love life.

And now, there also these new people in my life. I can't count them all, but I'm pretty sure they know who they are. They are these friends I talk to most of the time and spent short yet random moments with.  They are like rays of the sun and they continue to shine on me everyday. They make me laugh, they stop me whenever I talk about things that make me sad, they keep me company and they share with me all the positivism they have.

This blog may not be enough to show how grateful I am but may this be an immortal validation and proof for these people who changed my life.