Mute

It's hard to write when all I have in mind are rants and complaints. It's hard to write when I just want to scream at the top of my lungs or burst into tears.

I'm exhausted. I can't sleep peacefully every night and I wake up every hour. I am always nervous, tensed and I'm always scared of what will tomorrow bring.

I barely talk to people about how I feel, and when I do, I only talk to those who can understand, and who would let me talk endlessly.

I also became inactive online. I'm scared to express how f*cked up my life is right now. My thoughts and emotions are shattered. I am actually having difficulties writing this blog post.

I miss looking forward to every second of every day. Now it feels like I am robbed of my happy thoughts.

Days, please slow down

I've been reading a book, then watching Modern family episodes, then reading again, then watching then reading. I've been doing this since last night and for the past two hours even since I woke up.
I'm usually like this when I'm thinking of something (or someone) that I don't want to think about.

But here it is. I admit, I'm not ready for my birthday on the 27th.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to get old. And besides, that's something inevitable.

It's just that as years go by, it makes me feel that birthdays are becoming less important, or that I don't have the luxury of time to put much importance to it.

I've always been excited for my birthday because it's been always a day that I get to be with the most important people in my life, I get almost all that I want and I get to be the boss. Well, not anymore.

Days happen so fast and there's so much more to do now. It's not like before that I have a whole month to think about what I would do on my birthday or how to celebrate it weekends before.

Now, it's hard to gather people around during weekends because most of us work at different times, and some people that I want to be with on my birthday live millions of miles away.

Then when the day comes, it also happens so fast and poof! Before I know it, it's over and I gave to wait another year to be nothing else but happy.

I only have seven days until my birthday and I still don't know what to do.

I think it would be better to go somewhere far next time so I don't have to think of anything else to do and anyone else to spend it with.

Cut

I don't even know what it is. I didn't even ask him what it was. I guess I was scared. I guess... I was afraid to know the truth.

All I know is that everything felt right at that time.

Seeing him like it's always the first time. Laughing out loud like kids. Talking in different accents. Holding his hands. Holding him. Alternately singing songs.

But somehow, it seems like it's over, like we lost it, whatever it was. Or if we even had anything.

Now there's a gap between us, made up of awkwardness and my confused emotions.

And that's something that I really don't want to happen.

Thinking of all these just kills me.

I can't sleep.

Not good with goodbyes

The title says it all, I am not good with goodbyes.

I was just four years old when my dad went left for the last time to work in Saudi Arabia. I didn't even know where that place was back then so I just smiled as I waved him goodbye. Little did I know, my dad was sobbing inside the taxi, looking at his innocent little girl who wasn't aware that he'd be gone for years.

When my grandmother died when I was about ten years old, I didn't cry when she was removed from the ICU. I was silent all throughout her wake. I only broke down at the side of our car after her burial.

One of my best friends, Charlyn, left for the U.S. when we were in first year college. Our whole barkada was able to take her to the airport yet days had to pass before we realized that we could only hangout with her through Yahoo! Video Chat from then on. (We weren't still aware at that time that Skype existed.)

2008 came and I was in third year college. Edward left for Canada on December 15, his birthday. I wasn't able to take him to the airport since he told me to still attend my classes. I cried outside our classroom that day. I had high fever for a week. I cried for months. I admit I still cry from time to time.

After college, my almost childhood friend Nadine also migrated to Canada. I kept on asking my dad to take me to her house the night before her flight but he refused to. I didn't even get to see her or hug her months before she left.

And just 2 hours ago, one of my best friends, Elle who I've known for more than 10 years, left to move to New York. I can't help but be emotional.

For years, I didn't know how to deal with sadness that came with departure,separation and death.

But as years passed, I've noticed that goodbyes happen everyday, that goodbyes are inevitable.

And in that realization, I've grown accustomed to sadness, embraced it, and translated it to strength.

All that matters now is that I'll always remember all the old hellos I've had with the people who said goodbye.

And who knows, maybe I could say hello to them again soon, and also get new hellos along the way.

Pause

It was two in the morning and you sat in front of me, holding my hand. The moon was weirdly larger and it was staring at us, its glow shining on your eyes that were focused on me. I broke the silence.

"Many years from now, even if we grow apart and live separate lives, in the end I know it would still be you. It would still be us."

You held my hand tighter, gripping it with your emotions. You spoke as if you'd cry.

"I would be the luckiest man if that would still happen."

I smiled at you. But you weren't done.

"But if you end up with another man, you'd invite me to your wedding, right?"

I tried to answer but you pulled me into you within a second, holding me as if you won't even let go, pressing my body against yours.

I couldn't breathe but I didn't mind. I closed my eyes instead as I listened to you cry like a kid while I stifled my tears.

 I wish you let me speak then. I wish you knew it would always be you.

It's time

I wake up to the sound of birds singing at the window of my hotel room and sunlight hitting my tired eyes. It's the twelfth of December, and today's just one of those cold mornings that I have to get used to. I sit up on my bed and stare at my pink dainty dress that's lying on the side table. And I smile at the thought of wearing it today. Or maybe, I don't have to at all.

I wake up to the sound of my family from the other room busily making arrangements for today's occasion, and a message from her. It's the twelfth of December, and today's one of those mornings that I have to face with a heavy feeling on my chest. Mom peeks at my door and tells me to get ready. I stand up even if my knees are wobbling. Here goes nothing. 

I walk to the small kitchen to prepare coffee and a light breakfast for myself. I sit alone, a bit shivering as I put my legs against my chest and hug them. I hold the hot cup of coffee above my knees and stare at the dark liquid. Minutes after, a tear drops on it, and I wipe my face instantly and breathe deeply. This is harder that I thought it would be. 

I take a bath, change into my black slacks and camiso de chino. I stare at the mirror and look intently at myself. I look down at the bedside table and see the box of rings. I hold it tightly, and remember that certain green box that also held two rings years ago. I check my necklace and touch one of the old rings attached to it. My older brother suddenly knocks at my door and tells me... it's time. I smile at myself in the mirror. 

I take a bath, let myself stay in the bath tub longer to relax myself. But I stand up because the cold starts creeping up my veins. I dry myself and look intently in the mirror then walk back to my room. I put on my dress and shoes slowly, walk to the door of my hotel room, hold its knob as I sob endlessly.

I walk outside the beach house and drag myself to get to the other side of the shore. Everyone smiles and looks at me as I pass by the aisle decorated with lilies. I stand beside the altar, look at my feet and fiddle with my fingers. Music suddenly plays and I look up to see her, glowing yet in tears. She knows what is going through my mind. She stands near me, and says everything to me with a painful smile. I smile back and whisper sorry, then I run past her. I hope I'm still not too late. 

I cry in regret for an hour, sitting in front of my door. I cradle myself as I feel stabs of pain through my chest. I lost him once, and I'm losing him again at this very moment. I feel the ring trapped between my dress and skin and I try to hold it when I hear a knock on the door. I gather all the energy I have left to stand up and open it.

I see disbelief and joy all at once on the face of the woman I love when she sees me. I waste no time and I hug her like the first time I did, pressing her body tightly against mine, feeling her heartbeat. We need no words to speak, no explanations to hear.

We may have lost each other before, but I know, we know, this time... it's our time. 

We may have lost each other before, but I know, we know, this time... it's our time.

How can I thank you enough?

I was supposed to write you a handwritten letter for today, but you frankly know that I have really ugly penmanship.  I was supposed to record my message for you but I can't finish it without crying because I am a crybaby so here I am writing a blog for you.

I remember that one day. I think I was still in college then. I was sleeping on the couch that afternoon. I woke up and the first person I saw was you. I think you were chopping some food, or mixing something in a bowl while the sunlight was directly shining on your face. I stared at you for a few seconds then I just noticed tears were flowing on my face. Then you suddenly looked at me and I quickly wiped the tears off of my face and smiled at you. Then you smiled back.

I cried because I suddenly thought "What if this was the last time I get to see you?" And that thought scares the shit out of me though I know time will come that losing you would be inevitable.

 I cried because I was scared of losing you at a time when I still haven't done enough for you.

I know you don't like the idea of people paying you back in kind for any of the things you've done. And I know that all the things you've done for us and the things you still do, you do them selflessly. But I just stop thinking of ways on how I can thank you enough.

I don't know how to thank you for all your sacrifices. For waking up everyday to do things not for yourself but for us. For working and living for us. You just don't get tired of being the greatest mother, you just don't get tired of loving us in any and every way possible.

And your were not just a mother to us. You've been our enemy, good friend, drinking buddy, karaoke mate, doctor, doctor love and our clown. You've been everything a person can wish for as a mom.

I may have made finished school, found a job and took you out to dinners and other places, but I know I can never measure up to the love you've given me, you've given us.  I'll never be enough and I'll never be perfect.

I've hurt you so many times I know. For being lazy,  disobedient, disrespectful. For sometimes not treating you like my mother. And I know you've cried so many times because of me. And I'm sorry if I caused you pain. Please know in your heart that seeing you cry is one of the most painful scenes for me.

 But just like how that one song goes, I hope I make you proud. I hope I make you feel loved. I hope I've lived up to your expectations and made your dreams for me come true because I live for that purpose.

I live to make you happy.

I don't want to make any promises but I hope one day, you'll look at us and you can say to yourself that you have done a great job for raising such wonderful children.

Because for me, I always look up to God and say to Him that I must have done such great things in my past lives to have you as my mom in this lifetime.

I still have a lot of things to say to you but I can't write well with these tears in my eyes. 

Happy, happy Mother's day, Mama! 

Mahal na mahal kita mama, alam mo yan! <3