It has just been a week after the most cruel day of the year, and the pain makes it seem that I've been this way for months. I've been going out with friends daily, trying to conceal the tears for now, listening to their stories instead and sharing moments with them so I wouldn't really feel how sad I am.

It is such a struggle everyday, knowing he won't be with me for the next days, months and years of my life. I never saw this coming, that we would part ways because I really believed in us.

I still do. The feeling is too strong I don't know if it would ever go away. I have never loved anyone this much, I love him with my whole heart and soul. I thought that was enough. I though I was enough.

I don't know if I should blame him for all that I'm enduring right now, I know he really loved me, I just don't know when and why his feelings just suddenly fluctuated, wavered. It is painful not to know, and it would also be painful if I would get the answers. Because in the end, one thing would still be true, he stopped loving me when I know I would never stop loving him.

I just want all the pain to go away, I cry and pray every night, praying that I could get through every day, knowing that I've lost him.

In time, the pain that cuts right through my heart will heal. Maybe not soon, but I believe in time I'll be okay.


         It's always harder when I have just woken up, the first seconds of consciousness where the truth creeps in, chasing my nightmare: he's gone. He's not just far away, he's not just out of reach- he's out of my life.

But it's always hardest when it's almost midnight and all I have are our moments, moments that are just memories, and knowing that they would stay that way, we can never share new ones, and that I would have to face another morning without him.

As my vision blurs with tears, I stare into darkness and ask myself again and again: What did I do wrong? Wasn't my love enough? What did I do to him to deserve all this pain?

I ask and ask, and I don't get any answers, until my mind retires and I fall into deep, haunted slumber.

And then I wake up again. It's a painful cycle that I have to go through everyday until I don't know when.

It was an unexpected Monday when I met him for the first time , it was also a Monday when he shattered me and said it's over.

He let go of me, as if not remembering every promise he made, every plan in life that we did together. Like he never knew how broken I was in the past when he picked me up, made me whole again.

I begged him to stay, for us to try to hold on, believing that we could make it. He didn't want to. He didn't believe in us as much as I did. He didn't love me enough to fight for me, to fight for us.

I can never understand why it was so easy for him to let go.

I risked my heart, because I believe and trust him with my whole being. None of it makes sense now.

I don't how long I'd feel this lost, how long I'd be this broken.

But just like the sun embraced by darkness everyday, someday  it would make sense as to why he left me...
Why he came into my life and made me believe in love again, and why he chose to leave and took that hope away...
Why he said goodbye when all I wanted was to love him for the rest of our lives.

But for now, I would have to endure the darkness, until I find my own light again.