His face that turns wacky before he laughs, then the sound of his laughter reverberates in the room.

His smile that is too wide and bright that I don't even need the sun to shine on me.

The way he holds my hand firmly even if we are walking among a busy crowd.

The times he would sleep like a baby as I cradle his head.

Those instances he would just stop me from whatever I'm doing because he wants to have a moment with me.

That morning on his birthday in Vietnam when we woke up early to catch the sunrise but I was too sleepy he just hugged me tight. not needing to say a word.

These moments are just some that come back to me at times: while riding the jeepney, in the middle of a shoot, while I'm laughing with my friends, when I'm too dizzy for having different drinks, when I wake up, when I'm trying to fall asleep.

These are wonderful moments that are like double edge swords; moments that I would never forget, but also moments that I want to forget because my heart feels crushed everything I remember.

I want to rip off every memory off my chest.

The pain just won't go away. Why.