How can I thank you enough?

I was supposed to write you a handwritten letter for today, but you frankly know that I have really ugly penmanship.  I was supposed to record my message for you but I can't finish it without crying because I am a crybaby so here I am writing a blog for you.

I remember that one day. I think I was still in college then. I was sleeping on the couch that afternoon. I woke up and the first person I saw was you. I think you were chopping some food, or mixing something in a bowl while the sunlight was directly shining on your face. I stared at you for a few seconds then I just noticed tears were flowing on my face. Then you suddenly looked at me and I quickly wiped the tears off of my face and smiled at you. Then you smiled back.

I cried because I suddenly thought "What if this was the last time I get to see you?" And that thought scares the shit out of me though I know time will come that losing you would be inevitable.

 I cried because I was scared of losing you at a time when I still haven't done enough for you.

I know you don't like the idea of people paying you back in kind for any of the things you've done. And I know that all the things you've done for us and the things you still do, you do them selflessly. But I just stop thinking of ways on how I can thank you enough.

I don't know how to thank you for all your sacrifices. For waking up everyday to do things not for yourself but for us. For working and living for us. You just don't get tired of being the greatest mother, you just don't get tired of loving us in any and every way possible.

And your were not just a mother to us. You've been our enemy, good friend, drinking buddy, karaoke mate, doctor, doctor love and our clown. You've been everything a person can wish for as a mom.

I may have made finished school, found a job and took you out to dinners and other places, but I know I can never measure up to the love you've given me, you've given us.  I'll never be enough and I'll never be perfect.

I've hurt you so many times I know. For being lazy,  disobedient, disrespectful. For sometimes not treating you like my mother. And I know you've cried so many times because of me. And I'm sorry if I caused you pain. Please know in your heart that seeing you cry is one of the most painful scenes for me.

 But just like how that one song goes, I hope I make you proud. I hope I make you feel loved. I hope I've lived up to your expectations and made your dreams for me come true because I live for that purpose.

I live to make you happy.

I don't want to make any promises but I hope one day, you'll look at us and you can say to yourself that you have done a great job for raising such wonderful children.

Because for me, I always look up to God and say to Him that I must have done such great things in my past lives to have you as my mom in this lifetime.

I still have a lot of things to say to you but I can't write well with these tears in my eyes. 
Happy, happy Mother's day, Mama! 
Mahal na mahal kita mama, alam mo yan! <3 

Sincere Insanity

Where I am right now is home.

The streets are familiar I could walk around without getting lost. The sun always smiles at me, sometimes a bit too much. My taste buds are so in love with food anywhere near. I have this job that takes up most of the hours of my day yet I don't care because I love it. People I love and care about are here; they are just a phone call or text away.

I am comfortable where I am right now, but you're the only comfort that I want and need.

I don't care if the weather will be colder, or I could get lost in those wide and winding roads. I don't give a damn if food that I love most would not be within my reach or if I have to look for a better way to live. I don't care if I would  miss people from this place as long as you're with me.

I know it's crazy but someday, I want to stop wondering what would happen if I went where you are, if I would do everything to be with you. And I want to know how that feels soon. If God forbids, I will go where you are.

I want to be with you. Home is not home without you. Home is wherever you are.

Rays of my Sun

It's Labor Day, I'm at work and I should actually feel bad because it's a holiday and I'm here. But I'm actually feeling giddy and happy and I'm not like these years ago.

I was an emo kid and I used to cry a lot. I love writing sad posts, listening to sad songs and I love thinking of problems instead of possibilities. But by meeting these people, I learned to be happy.

I met this Kuya when I was in first year college in an event. When I knew him, I seriously didn't know how to smile with my teeth. I hated them because they were so uneven. But he told me I should stop being shy and show people my smile. He said a simple smile could make people happy. And ever since, I've had this weird grin on my face. For some, what he told me may be simple but through his honest remark, he helped me communicate better with people, even with just a goofy, silly smile.

Third year college came, and I met this person through a schoolmate. He taught me two important things that I'd carry in my heart for the rest of my life: The simplicity of love and life. To be happy, you don't always have to buy expensive things, spend a thousand bucks in expensive places and be with famous people. You can always have the best of this world just by surrounding yourself with things and people that make you happy. And you can always find happiness in the simplest things.

Movie marathons and candlelight dinners at home. A day with your whole family. A child's  smile. Your mom's laughter. A petal. Freebies. Your favorite song. A tight hug. Delicious food at home. Fresh air.  These are things that could make you smile. Always take time to take a look around, breathe in and absorb all the positive vibes you can get from the simple things around you. Be in the moment and love every second of it.

Throughout my college life, I got to be with these eleven people. And  whenever I'm with them, I always feel as if God is hugging me tight. The sun is always shining brighter and days were easier to bear. We didn't need vices to keep us happy.  Food, stories, experiences and the thought of being together was more than enough to make us high. They made my life beautiful. They made me love life.

And now, there also these new people in my life. I can't count them all, but I'm pretty sure they know who they are. They are these friends I talk to most of the time and spent short yet random moments with.  They are like rays of the sun and they continue to shine on me everyday. They make me laugh, they stop me whenever I talk about things that make me sad, they keep me company and they share with me all the positivism they have.

This blog may not be enough to show how grateful I am but may this be an immortal validation and proof for these people who changed my life.