I don't even know what it is. I didn't even ask him what it was. I guess I was scared. I guess... I was afraid to know the truth.

All I know is that everything felt right at that time.

Seeing him like it's always the first time. Laughing out loud like kids. Talking in different accents. Holding his hands. Holding him. Alternately singing songs.

But somehow, it seems like it's over, like we lost it, whatever it was. Or if we even had anything.

Now there's a gap between us, made up of awkwardness and my confused emotions.

And that's something that I really don't want to happen.

Thinking of all these just kills me.

I can't sleep.

Not good with goodbyes

The title says it all, I am not good with goodbyes.

I was just four years old when my dad went left for the last time to work in Saudi Arabia. I didn't even know where that place was back then so I just smiled as I waved him goodbye. Little did I know, my dad was sobbing inside the taxi, looking at his innocent little girl who wasn't aware that he'd be gone for years.

When my grandmother died when I was about ten years old, I didn't cry when she was removed from the ICU. I was silent all throughout her wake. I only broke down at the side of our car after her burial.

One of my best friends, Charlyn, left for the U.S. when we were in first year college. Our whole barkada was able to take her to the airport yet days had to pass before we realized that we could only hangout with her through Yahoo! Video Chat from then on. (We weren't still aware at that time that Skype existed.)

2008 came and I was in third year college. Edward left for Canada on December 15, his birthday. I wasn't able to take him to the airport since he told me to still attend my classes. I cried outside our classroom that day. I had high fever for a week. I cried for months. I admit I still cry from time to time.

After college, my almost childhood friend Nadine also migrated to Canada. I kept on asking my dad to take me to her house the night before her flight but he refused to. I didn't even get to see her or hug her months before she left.

And just 2 hours ago, one of my best friends, Elle who I've known for more than 10 years, left to move to New York. I can't help but be emotional.

For years, I didn't know how to deal with sadness that came with departure,separation and death.

But as years passed, I've noticed that goodbyes happen everyday, that goodbyes are inevitable.

And in that realization, I've grown accustomed to sadness, embraced it, and translated it to strength.

All that matters now is that I'll always remember all the old hellos I've had with the people who said goodbye.

And who knows, maybe I could say hello to them again soon, and also get new hellos along the way.


It was two in the morning and you sat in front of me, holding my hand. The moon was weirdly larger and it was staring at us, its glow shining on your eyes that were focused on me. I broke the silence.

"Many years from now, even if we grow apart and live separate lives, in the end I know it would still be you. It would still be us."

You held my hand tighter, gripping it with your emotions. You spoke as if you'd cry.

"I would be the luckiest man if that would still happen."

I smiled at you. But you weren't done.

"But if you end up with another man, you'd invite me to your wedding, right?"

I tried to answer but you pulled me into you within a second, holding me as if you won't even let go, pressing my body against yours.

I couldn't breathe but I didn't mind. I closed my eyes instead as I listened to you cry like a kid while I stifled my tears.

 I wish you let me speak then. I wish you knew it would always be you.

It's time

I wake up to the sound of birds singing at the window of my hotel room and sunlight hitting my tired eyes. It's the twelfth of December, and today's just one of those cold mornings that I have to get used to. I sit up on my bed and stare at my pink dainty dress that's lying on the side table. And I smile at the thought of wearing it today. Or maybe, I don't have to at all.

I wake up to the sound of my family from the other room busily making arrangements for today's occasion, and a message from her. It's the twelfth of December, and today's one of those mornings that I have to face with a heavy feeling on my chest. Mom peeks at my door and tells me to get ready. I stand up even if my knees are wobbling. Here goes nothing. 

I walk to the small kitchen to prepare coffee and a light breakfast for myself. I sit alone, a bit shivering as I put my legs against my chest and hug them. I hold the hot cup of coffee above my knees and stare at the dark liquid. Minutes after, a tear drops on it, and I wipe my face instantly and breathe deeply. This is harder that I thought it would be. 

I take a bath, change into my black slacks and camiso de chino. I stare at the mirror and look intently at myself. I look down at the bedside table and see the box of rings. I hold it tightly, and remember that certain green box that also held two rings years ago. I check my necklace and touch one of the old rings attached to it. My older brother suddenly knocks at my door and tells me... it's time. I smile at myself in the mirror. 

I take a bath, let myself stay in the bath tub longer to relax myself. But I stand up because the cold starts creeping up my veins. I dry myself and look intently in the mirror then walk back to my room. I put on my dress and shoes slowly, walk to the door of my hotel room, hold its knob as I sob endlessly.

I walk outside the beach house and drag myself to get to the other side of the shore. Everyone smiles and looks at me as I pass by the aisle decorated with lilies. I stand beside the altar, look at my feet and fiddle with my fingers. Music suddenly plays and I look up to see her, glowing yet in tears. She knows what is going through my mind. She stands near me, and says everything to me with a painful smile. I smile back and whisper sorry, then I run past her. I hope I'm still not too late. 

I cry in regret for an hour, sitting in front of my door. I cradle myself as I feel stabs of pain through my chest. I lost him once, and I'm losing him again at this very moment. I feel the ring trapped between my dress and skin and I try to hold it when I hear a knock on the door. I gather all the energy I have left to stand up and open it.

I see disbelief and joy all at once on the face of the woman I love when she sees me. I waste no time and I hug her like the first time I did, pressing her body tightly against mine, feeling her heartbeat. We need no words to speak, no explanations to hear.

We may have lost each other before, but I know, we know, this time... it's our time. 
We may have lost each other before, but I know, we know, this time... it's our time.

How can I thank you enough?

I was supposed to write you a handwritten letter for today, but you frankly know that I have really ugly penmanship.  I was supposed to record my message for you but I can't finish it without crying because I am a crybaby so here I am writing a blog for you.

I remember that one day. I think I was still in college then. I was sleeping on the couch that afternoon. I woke up and the first person I saw was you. I think you were chopping some food, or mixing something in a bowl while the sunlight was directly shining on your face. I stared at you for a few seconds then I just noticed tears were flowing on my face. Then you suddenly looked at me and I quickly wiped the tears off of my face and smiled at you. Then you smiled back.

I cried because I suddenly thought "What if this was the last time I get to see you?" And that thought scares the shit out of me though I know time will come that losing you would be inevitable.

 I cried because I was scared of losing you at a time when I still haven't done enough for you.

I know you don't like the idea of people paying you back in kind for any of the things you've done. And I know that all the things you've done for us and the things you still do, you do them selflessly. But I just stop thinking of ways on how I can thank you enough.

I don't know how to thank you for all your sacrifices. For waking up everyday to do things not for yourself but for us. For working and living for us. You just don't get tired of being the greatest mother, you just don't get tired of loving us in any and every way possible.

And your were not just a mother to us. You've been our enemy, good friend, drinking buddy, karaoke mate, doctor, doctor love and our clown. You've been everything a person can wish for as a mom.

I may have made finished school, found a job and took you out to dinners and other places, but I know I can never measure up to the love you've given me, you've given us.  I'll never be enough and I'll never be perfect.

I've hurt you so many times I know. For being lazy,  disobedient, disrespectful. For sometimes not treating you like my mother. And I know you've cried so many times because of me. And I'm sorry if I caused you pain. Please know in your heart that seeing you cry is one of the most painful scenes for me.

 But just like how that one song goes, I hope I make you proud. I hope I make you feel loved. I hope I've lived up to your expectations and made your dreams for me come true because I live for that purpose.

I live to make you happy.

I don't want to make any promises but I hope one day, you'll look at us and you can say to yourself that you have done a great job for raising such wonderful children.

Because for me, I always look up to God and say to Him that I must have done such great things in my past lives to have you as my mom in this lifetime.

I still have a lot of things to say to you but I can't write well with these tears in my eyes. 
Happy, happy Mother's day, Mama! 
Mahal na mahal kita mama, alam mo yan! <3 

Sincere Insanity

Where I am right now is home.

The streets are familiar I could walk around without getting lost. The sun always smiles at me, sometimes a bit too much. My taste buds are so in love with food anywhere near. I have this job that takes up most of the hours of my day yet I don't care because I love it. People I love and care about are here; they are just a phone call or text away.

I am comfortable where I am right now, but you're the only comfort that I want and need.

I don't care if the weather will be colder, or I could get lost in those wide and winding roads. I don't give a damn if food that I love most would not be within my reach or if I have to look for a better way to live. I don't care if I would  miss people from this place as long as you're with me.

I know it's crazy but someday, I want to stop wondering what would happen if I went where you are, if I would do everything to be with you. And I want to know how that feels soon. If God forbids, I will go where you are.

I want to be with you. Home is not home without you. Home is wherever you are.

Rays of my Sun

It's Labor Day, I'm at work and I should actually feel bad because it's a holiday and I'm here. But I'm actually feeling giddy and happy and I'm not like these years ago.

I was an emo kid and I used to cry a lot. I love writing sad posts, listening to sad songs and I love thinking of problems instead of possibilities. But by meeting these people, I learned to be happy.

I met this Kuya when I was in first year college in an event. When I knew him, I seriously didn't know how to smile with my teeth. I hated them because they were so uneven. But he told me I should stop being shy and show people my smile. He said a simple smile could make people happy. And ever since, I've had this weird grin on my face. For some, what he told me may be simple but through his honest remark, he helped me communicate better with people, even with just a goofy, silly smile.

Third year college came, and I met this person through a schoolmate. He taught me two important things that I'd carry in my heart for the rest of my life: The simplicity of love and life. To be happy, you don't always have to buy expensive things, spend a thousand bucks in expensive places and be with famous people. You can always have the best of this world just by surrounding yourself with things and people that make you happy. And you can always find happiness in the simplest things.

Movie marathons and candlelight dinners at home. A day with your whole family. A child's  smile. Your mom's laughter. A petal. Freebies. Your favorite song. A tight hug. Delicious food at home. Fresh air.  These are things that could make you smile. Always take time to take a look around, breathe in and absorb all the positive vibes you can get from the simple things around you. Be in the moment and love every second of it.

Throughout my college life, I got to be with these eleven people. And  whenever I'm with them, I always feel as if God is hugging me tight. The sun is always shining brighter and days were easier to bear. We didn't need vices to keep us happy.  Food, stories, experiences and the thought of being together was more than enough to make us high. They made my life beautiful. They made me love life.

And now, there also these new people in my life. I can't count them all, but I'm pretty sure they know who they are. They are these friends I talk to most of the time and spent short yet random moments with.  They are like rays of the sun and they continue to shine on me everyday. They make me laugh, they stop me whenever I talk about things that make me sad, they keep me company and they share with me all the positivism they have.

This blog may not be enough to show how grateful I am but may this be an immortal validation and proof for these people who changed my life.

And so tonight, I write.

And no, I'm not back to write the saddest lines. I've just really been wanting to write the past few months but I always don't have the luxury of time and energy to do so.

I've wanted to write about work, about how I miss friends, about my Ilocandia trip with #TheJeep, about frustrations and dreams, but whenever I start typing, I can't finish my posts.

But with a little push from my tall, enthusiastic friend, here I am, trying.

Now what do I write about?

I'm a coward. Oh yes, I am a big, big coward.

And I've been a scaredy cat for a long, long time and for a lot of things.

I don't know how to take risks. I always stay on the safe ground.

I hug people a lot. I try to be with people who matter to me but sometimes, I am at a loss for words and emotion, and I don't really make them feel that I am there.

I talk a lot but I don't have the guts to say out loud what I really want to say. To mean all the words that come out of my mouth, to get it out of my chest and let myself be heard.

I work really hard but I always think about my limitations rather than my capabilities.

I always stand on the edge of a cliff, not minding that I am always holding a rope to help myself get across.

My mind and soul's been weak but I realize that the moment you doubt yourself is the same moment that you let your faith be shaken.

And I don't want that.

Just like what my "mentors/geniuses" have been telling me, I have to get out of the box and try and discover what more I can do.

I even asked sir Cesar Apolinario how could I fulfill let myself be heard with my voice sounding like a can being crushed or kicked.

And he answered, "Eh di paingayin mo yung lata." 

And just yesterday during Visita Iglesia, a girl was handing out Bible verses outside a church in Pampanga and I got this one as if God was speaking to me, answering all the questions in my head:

"Let your speech always be with grace...that you may know how you ought to answer each one." - Colossians 4: 6 

And from then on, I chose to believe. In myself. In the power of chances, responsibilities. In the power of words.

No, I don't promise through this blog that I will audition to be a reporter like what my family and friends wanted to. I don't deny that it had always been my dream but I still don't don't feel that now is the right time to do it.

Who knows, maybe I won't do it,  or maybe someday or soon, I will.

But what I am sure of  is that from now on, I chose to write and speak without fear.

I chose to to give life to words so they may be felt and heard.

Creepiest Lines from Interviewees

I've been GMA NewsTV Quick Response Team's remote producer for almost a year and I've booked hundred of interviews for sir Jiggy Manicad.

And so far, these are the creepiest lines interviewees said to me off cam.

"What soft hands you have." 

While talking about corrupt politicans: "Ako 'di ako corrupt. Bigyan mo na lang ako ng pera, tapos takas tayo." 

"Ang ganda naman ng mga mata mo." 

"Dalaga ka 'no? Alam ko amoy ng dalaga eh...mabango." 

On Valentine's Day: "Walang date si Rep. _________, gusto mo ikaw na lang date niya? Sabihin ko na sa kanya ah." 

"Ahhh sige standby lang ako dito sa office. Akyat ka muna." 

"Ay siya ba mag-iinterview? Kung ikaw sana, mas papayag ako eh." 

"Ma'am gusto mo sumama ka muna? Coffee tayo." 

"Sige na nga miss Apple. Okay na.Cute mo kasi eh." 

"Sige ingat ka mam. Mamimiss kita." 


2011 was one hell of a rollercoaster ride but it has been one of the most awesome years of my life. And since I can't just put into words how grateful I am, here are the people and events in my life who made this year's every second worth remembering.

My first ever plane ride, and my first trip to Visayas. I went to Iloilo with ate Ali, Xien, Catha and Carla, the "alupihan girls" who made workdays happy and bearable.
The very first time special people besides my family waited for my birthday.
Sir Josh, Lian and I spent the first few hours of my birthday at GMA,eating ice cream and laughing.
I spent the remaining hours with workmates and Team Awesome  then I went to UST with my college friends to attend the Quadricentennial Celebration. 

And yes, a day was simply not enough so I still had a few more birthday celebrations with family, friends and new people in my life.  

By the end of February, I had to say goodbye to News on Q, and welcomed News To Go and On Call family in my life. But no matter what happens, NOQ and the people who were part of it who molded me will always hold a special spot in my life. 

Got the chance to explore some of the most beautiful places in our country. 
Last February, I travelled during wee hours of the morning with Ate Xien to go to the Hot Air Balloon Festival in Pampanga. 
By April, I went to Laiya, Batangas with Ate Xien, her mom and aunt, Ali, Catha and Carla. 
That same month, I was able to experience Boracay with Jicky, Lian and Cha. 

And then, the much awaited trip happened in May. My whole family and I went to Palawan with kuya Jovy as our companion and tour guide. Visited a lot of islands, explored the sand and sea and finally witnessed the beauty of the famous Puerto Prinsesa Underground River.
This was my happiest trip so far!

I also got watch a lot of concerts this year!

Saw The Script last April...
Then David Choi by June...
Westlife last September...

And then finally, the concert I've waited for all my life...

August came and I got one of God's greatest gifts. MY QRT family that I now cannot live without.
They are not just workmates but a family that I love more and more each day.
Ahhh, kickass work with pleasure!

Last October 25, I finally got my new friend, Steve Morgan. :)

And this year, I also got to bring my bestfriend Tin2dear and some of #TheJeep to Baguio!

There's a lot more that happened to me last year. Whether, good or bad, I'm thankful for everything because I surely learned a thing or two from all of it.

And now that I've turned 23 a few days ago, I can't wait to experience new things and have new memories with the same people and new ones that would possibly rock my 2012!

Thank you 2011, you've been so awesome.
Dear 2012, I'm so excited for you!

P.S. Birthday blog post soon!