Nostalgia Note # 1

I called you up while I was sitting in front of the building with my friends.

I just kept on complaining and whining that I lost my ID.

I've looked everywhere and I can't find it.

People kept telling me that it's okay, maybe someone might be able to see it and return it to the lost and found section of our college.

So I called to hear what you would say.

So I talked and talked and you were quiet on the other line.

When I stopped speaking, all you said was, "Do you want to get some chocolate sundae later?"

At that moment, my almost permanent frown turned into a sheepish smile.

But I wasn't happy because of the chocolate sundae.

But because the thought that I'd be able to see you and be with you after a long, depressing day is so comforting.

I want those moments back so bad.

 I want you back.

Blurt

(written last June 7, 2012 for no one in particular, I think) 

When I first met you, I couldn't perfectly remember where or how I first saw you. 

Was it when I was flipping through a book and I saw your smile, when I was just 8 and playing garden dinner then you came, stared at me then ran to your dad, or was it when I was standing still on the seashore and smelled you in the wind. 

Well, I don't really know. And I don't really care anymore. 

All I know is you are so familiar I feel like I so belong to you. As you belong to me. Not really owning each other, but just being two souls meant to sit together and watch the whole world change as our hands stay fix holding each other. 

And here we are, lying here while your hand is around my waist. And I couldn't help but stare at you, breathing heavily as your forehead forms crumples anticipating a yawn. Then you opened your eyes and the sun shone on them. Then you smiled at me. 

And I swear music suddenly played on my ears. 

I may not remember how I first saw you, but I swear I know I love you. 

And I could live a hundred years lying here with you and knowing you feel the same. 

Burst

Let's just say I'm near the middle if this dark road, and yet I can see the end of it, it's sunny on that side and I can clearly see it's a dead end. And I still keep on walking towards it.

Tanga 'di ba? Bakit nga ba ako nananatili, alam ko namang walang patutunguhan to.

This isn't about love dahil wala pa'ko sa puntong 'yon, alam ko 'yon sa sarili ko.
But probably, this is something about wanting this to turn into love.

Pwedeng love between the two of us, or probably more of wanting him to learn to love again, kahit hindi na lang para sa'kin.

Again, katangahan na dapat ikagalit ng mga kaibigan. Kaya ko rin hindi masyadong nakakausap mga kaibigan ko talaga, lalo na yung mga alam kong magagalit sa'kin.

I told a friend that I want to be a way to heal his wounds, or  fight whatever's feeding his demons. But my friend told me that I would be hurting myself in the process.

Hindi naman n'ya to hinihiling, I don't even know if this is really what his problem is. Mukhang hindi naman niya ako kailangan. And maybe he's just not that into me.

He always tells me he appreciates me and what I do. I'm pretty tired of just being appreciated.

Maybe it's time to listen to friends and family, listen to these people who care for me, who really know what and who's good for me.

It's time to stop this stupidity. I've made my point that I really want him and I care for him. Maybe it's his turn now.

I gotta go my way.

Mute

It's hard to write when all I have in mind are rants and complaints. It's hard to write when I just want to scream at the top of my lungs or burst into tears.

I'm exhausted. I can't sleep peacefully every night and I wake up every hour. I am always nervous, tensed and I'm always scared of what will tomorrow bring.

I barely talk to people about how I feel, and when I do, I only talk to those who can understand, and who would let me talk endlessly.

I also became inactive online. I'm scared to express how f*cked up my life is right now. My thoughts and emotions are shattered. I am actually having difficulties writing this blog post.

I miss looking forward to every second of every day. Now it feels like I am robbed of my happy thoughts.

Days, please slow down

I've been reading a book, then watching Modern family episodes, then reading again, then watching then reading. I've been doing this since last night and for the past two hours even since I woke up.
I'm usually like this when I'm thinking of something (or someone) that I don't want to think about.

But here it is. I admit, I'm not ready for my birthday on the 27th.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to get old. And besides, that's something inevitable.

It's just that as years go by, it makes me feel that birthdays are becoming less important, or that I don't have the luxury of time to put much importance to it.

I've always been excited for my birthday because it's been always a day that I get to be with the most important people in my life, I get almost all that I want and I get to be the boss. Well, not anymore.

Days happen so fast and there's so much more to do now. It's not like before that I have a whole month to think about what I would do on my birthday or how to celebrate it weekends before.

Now, it's hard to gather people around during weekends because most of us work at different times, and some people that I want to be with on my birthday live millions of miles away.

Then when the day comes, it also happens so fast and poof! Before I know it, it's over and I gave to wait another year to be nothing else but happy.

I only have seven days until my birthday and I still don't know what to do.

I think it would be better to go somewhere far next time so I don't have to think of anything else to do and anyone else to spend it with.

Cut

I don't even know what it is. I didn't even ask him what it was. I guess I was scared. I guess... I was afraid to know the truth.

All I know is that everything felt right at that time.

Seeing him like it's always the first time. Laughing out loud like kids. Talking in different accents. Holding his hands. Holding him. Alternately singing songs.

But somehow, it seems like it's over, like we lost it, whatever it was. Or if we even had anything.

Now there's a gap between us, made up of awkwardness and my confused emotions.

And that's something that I really don't want to happen.

Thinking of all these just kills me.

I can't sleep.

Not good with goodbyes

The title says it all, I am not good with goodbyes.

I was just four years old when my dad went left for the last time to work in Saudi Arabia. I didn't even know where that place was back then so I just smiled as I waved him goodbye. Little did I know, my dad was sobbing inside the taxi, looking at his innocent little girl who wasn't aware that he'd be gone for years.

When my grandmother died when I was about ten years old, I didn't cry when she was removed from the ICU. I was silent all throughout her wake. I only broke down at the side of our car after her burial.

One of my best friends, Charlyn, left for the U.S. when we were in first year college. Our whole barkada was able to take her to the airport yet days had to pass before we realized that we could only hangout with her through Yahoo! Video Chat from then on. (We weren't still aware at that time that Skype existed.)

2008 came and I was in third year college. Edward left for Canada on December 15, his birthday. I wasn't able to take him to the airport since he told me to still attend my classes. I cried outside our classroom that day. I had high fever for a week. I cried for months. I admit I still cry from time to time.

After college, my almost childhood friend Nadine also migrated to Canada. I kept on asking my dad to take me to her house the night before her flight but he refused to. I didn't even get to see her or hug her months before she left.

And just 2 hours ago, one of my best friends, Elle who I've known for more than 10 years, left to move to New York. I can't help but be emotional.

For years, I didn't know how to deal with sadness that came with departure,separation and death.

But as years passed, I've noticed that goodbyes happen everyday, that goodbyes are inevitable.

And in that realization, I've grown accustomed to sadness, embraced it, and translated it to strength.

All that matters now is that I'll always remember all the old hellos I've had with the people who said goodbye.

And who knows, maybe I could say hello to them again soon, and also get new hellos along the way.