New Leaf

 It had been almost a year since I last posted here, and A LOT has happened in my life. I never expected all of these but as they've said, no matter how you can't understand, things happen for a reason.

     Before my birthday last January, I made one of the biggest decisions in my entire life. I gave up on one of the things I loved, one thing I've committed my whole heart to- I resigned as the remote producer for GMA News TV Quick Response Team. I cried for months before that, I didn't want to let go. It was the only job that I've wanted since I got in GMA, the people I am with every day became my family but I had to make a choice.

      I would never forget the man who mentored me through all of those years, the person who showed me how to be passionate with my work, the man who showed me how to flap my wings. I must admit I still miss field work, I miss him and the whole team. I hope someday I'd still get the chance. I am just glad the team also keeps in touch with me.

I then gained a new family, people I'm friends with in and out of the newsroom- Subselfie.  They're a group of intelligent, witty, crazy people, and a big part of my sanity despite my difficult work and personal problems. Eight people who mold me, hurt me, make my laugh and just help me grow; eight people who have become the rays of my sun.

Then, I met Kev. Now I'm speechless. Words are not enough to express how he turned my crazy quarter-life crisis phase upside down. He's the most beautiful surprise. He tore down the walls I've locked myself in, he pulled me out from my misery and taught me how to love again. It may be cliche but it's true. He's the reason why I am no longer afraid of the future. He's the love of my life and I'm thankful every day that God blessed me with such a loving person.

In life, we lose some, we win some. This year had been a really bumpy roller coaster ride but I believe all of these experiences only made me stronger. I may not be sure what would happen in the next days, month and years, but I have in faith in Him that things will get even better.

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Nakakapanikip ng dibdib. Ang hirap huminga, ang hirap magsalita nang hindi umiiyak.

Alam kong ni wala sa katiting ng sakit na nararamdaman niya yung sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon.

Pero sobrang sakit. Ang sakit sakit talaga.

Hindi ko naman ginustong mangyari 'yun sa kanya. Sa lahat ng taong nakilala ko sa industriyang 'to, siya lang ang hinahangaan ko, yung tipong nilagay ko na sa pedestal. Yung nagsisilbing inspirasyon ko para pumasok araw-araw, magtrabaho nang maayos kasi gusto kong maging katulad niya.

Yung mga dinanas niya, pinagdaanan niya para marating ang kinaroroonan niya ngayon, pinaghirapan niya ng mabuti kaya naman hindi maiiwasan na talagang hangaan siya ng tulad ko.

Kaya nung kinukutsa na siya ng mga tao, masakit din para sa akin kasi alam kong yung isang simpleng pagkakamali, hindi naman maikukumpara sa sipag at tagumpay niya. Yung isang simpleng pagkakamali na yun na pinalaki ng mga tao, hindi maikukumpara sa kredibilidad niya.

Pero wala na akong pagkakataong ipakita sa kanya na hindi mawawala ang paghanga ko sa kanya, na siya pa rin ang pinakamabuting ehemplo sa propesyon ito.

Masakit na hindi mapatawad. Para akong nawalay ng tatay sa sakit.

Pero kung may ipagdarasal man ako ngayon, yun ay yung mawala na yung sakit na nararamdaman niya sa lahat ng nangyari.Sana talaga sa pagdaan ng panahon, maging maayos din ang lahat.

Nostalgia Note # 1

I called you up while I was sitting in front of the building with my friends.

I just kept on complaining and whining that I lost my ID.

I've looked everywhere and I can't find it.

People kept telling me that it's okay, maybe someone might be able to see it and return it to the lost and found section of our college.

So I called to hear what you would say.

So I talked and talked and you were quiet on the other line.

When I stopped speaking, all you said was, "Do you want to get some chocolate sundae later?"

At that moment, my almost permanent frown turned into a sheepish smile.

But I wasn't happy because of the chocolate sundae.

But because the thought that I'd be able to see you and be with you after a long, depressing day is so comforting.

I want those moments back so bad.

 I want you back.

Blurt

(written last June 7, 2012 for no one in particular, I think) 

When I first met you, I couldn't perfectly remember where or how I first saw you. 

Was it when I was flipping through a book and I saw your smile, when I was just 8 and playing garden dinner then you came, stared at me then ran to your dad, or was it when I was standing still on the seashore and smelled you in the wind. 

Well, I don't really know. And I don't really care anymore. 

All I know is you are so familiar I feel like I so belong to you. As you belong to me. Not really owning each other, but just being two souls meant to sit together and watch the whole world change as our hands stay fix holding each other. 

And here we are, lying here while your hand is around my waist. And I couldn't help but stare at you, breathing heavily as your forehead forms crumples anticipating a yawn. Then you opened your eyes and the sun shone on them. Then you smiled at me. 

And I swear music suddenly played on my ears. 

I may not remember how I first saw you, but I swear I know I love you. 

And I could live a hundred years lying here with you and knowing you feel the same. 

Burst

Let's just say I'm near the middle if this dark road, and yet I can see the end of it, it's sunny on that side and I can clearly see it's a dead end. And I still keep on walking towards it.

Tanga 'di ba? Bakit nga ba ako nananatili, alam ko namang walang patutunguhan to.

This isn't about love dahil wala pa'ko sa puntong 'yon, alam ko 'yon sa sarili ko.
But probably, this is something about wanting this to turn into love.

Pwedeng love between the two of us, or probably more of wanting him to learn to love again, kahit hindi na lang para sa'kin.

Again, katangahan na dapat ikagalit ng mga kaibigan. Kaya ko rin hindi masyadong nakakausap mga kaibigan ko talaga, lalo na yung mga alam kong magagalit sa'kin.

I told a friend that I want to be a way to heal his wounds, or  fight whatever's feeding his demons. But my friend told me that I would be hurting myself in the process.

Hindi naman n'ya to hinihiling, I don't even know if this is really what his problem is. Mukhang hindi naman niya ako kailangan. And maybe he's just not that into me.

He always tells me he appreciates me and what I do. I'm pretty tired of just being appreciated.

Maybe it's time to listen to friends and family, listen to these people who care for me, who really know what and who's good for me.

It's time to stop this stupidity. I've made my point that I really want him and I care for him. Maybe it's his turn now.

I gotta go my way.

Mute

It's hard to write when all I have in mind are rants and complaints. It's hard to write when I just want to scream at the top of my lungs or burst into tears.

I'm exhausted. I can't sleep peacefully every night and I wake up every hour. I am always nervous, tensed and I'm always scared of what will tomorrow bring.

I barely talk to people about how I feel, and when I do, I only talk to those who can understand, and who would let me talk endlessly.

I also became inactive online. I'm scared to express how f*cked up my life is right now. My thoughts and emotions are shattered. I am actually having difficulties writing this blog post.

I miss looking forward to every second of every day. Now it feels like I am robbed of my happy thoughts.

Days, please slow down

I've been reading a book, then watching Modern family episodes, then reading again, then watching then reading. I've been doing this since last night and for the past two hours even since I woke up.
I'm usually like this when I'm thinking of something (or someone) that I don't want to think about.

But here it is. I admit, I'm not ready for my birthday on the 27th.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to get old. And besides, that's something inevitable.

It's just that as years go by, it makes me feel that birthdays are becoming less important, or that I don't have the luxury of time to put much importance to it.

I've always been excited for my birthday because it's been always a day that I get to be with the most important people in my life, I get almost all that I want and I get to be the boss. Well, not anymore.

Days happen so fast and there's so much more to do now. It's not like before that I have a whole month to think about what I would do on my birthday or how to celebrate it weekends before.

Now, it's hard to gather people around during weekends because most of us work at different times, and some people that I want to be with on my birthday live millions of miles away.

Then when the day comes, it also happens so fast and poof! Before I know it, it's over and I gave to wait another year to be nothing else but happy.

I only have seven days until my birthday and I still don't know what to do.

I think it would be better to go somewhere far next time so I don't have to think of anything else to do and anyone else to spend it with.