applegamboaon Monday, July 26, 2010
I walked out of my room, my eyes tired from crying because of that silly movie I've already watched a couple of times but still makes me cry. I looked around as I tried to listen if anyone's still awake and might see me in this sad state. Gladly, everyone's asleep already. I wanted to go out and walk and just think but it's too dangerous so I just walked to our main house not knowing what to do or really where I'd wanted to go if I suddenly wanted to escape and just get out of here.
I entered through the wooden door and it was pitch black in the living room. I turned on the lights and was surprised that the mirror was facing me. I went nearer and nearer to my reflection. I touched the glass as if I could touch my own face through it, wipe my tears and make it all vanish but I know I cannot. But I continue to reach out to myself as I stare at my own eyes. It was getting harder and harder to breathe when a heavy wave of sadness came over me as I looked at myself. I've changed and I know this is not who I am. The honest smile is gone, the genuine happiness is slowly fading away and I am... slowly vanishing. I almost choked and it felt like a lump on my throat as I fought the urge to cry, because for the first time I couldn't see myself anymore.
I see my alter ego, that person that you've been trying to create from me.
I am gone and I see only you.
And it hurts.
applegamboaon Thursday, July 15, 2010
I've been re-reading my blog posts and I noticed that I keep writing stuff about missing people, depressing thoughts and whatever's troubling me at that moment. And honestly, I hate it.
It's because when I read them, the negative feeling just keep on coming back, haunting me like nightmares or probably ghosts roaming around my mind.
I miss the times I write entries in Multiply about how my day went, silly things that my friends and I did, or simple suprises or blessing that I encounter everyday. I miss just going on and on about my day, typing away my thoughts and the things that happened to me.
I guess the fear of getting my posts criticized is now back with me that everytime I write, I keep on thinking if I have errors and people would think I should not have created a blog because I don't write well.
Or maybe.. maybe because I remember one poem we read in our Literature class with Madame Lopez that happiness is just so hard to put into words.
Yes, I think it is hard because sometimes words are not enough to express the ecstacy you feel; how light your heart weighs. It's as if you just want to be contained with that happiness, vanish your depressed self in it and just linger on that moment when nothing matters but the smile on your face, the laughter of the people you are with and the glow of the surroundings you are in-- rather than spend your time writing about it and then through the process, you lose the joy.
Still, sometimes I wish I could write about it happiness again so when I backtrack my posts, all I could remember are cheerful memories and maybe when people read my posts, I could pass on my happiness to them. :)
applegamboaon Tuesday, July 13, 2010
These past few days, I've trying to catch up with my brothers who I almost don't get to talk to and see.
Just this weekend, we called up Kuya Albert who's still staying in a seminary in Baguio and tried to know how he'd been since he was infected with AH1N1 for two weeks. We also asked about his studies, his role as the seminary auditor and how he'd been playing basketball as if it's only marathon. LOL. His voice was still hoarse from the weather and sickness but I could tell he was very, very happy because he had been waiting for our call. I miss him so much and I can't wait to go up to Baguio again on the 28th of August for their seminary open house.
As to Kuya Noel, we've both been going through an emotional rollercoaster lately, so we try to find much time as possible to update each other, talk about grown up things and relationships. It's as if just yesterday, we were talking about puppy love and crushes, and now we talk about kissing, terms of endearment, letting go and holding on. It's really amazing as to how much we've matured but stayed close to each other.
A lot of things may have changed, but I know we're still gonna stick with each other.
applegamboaon Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Little kids, especially cute. chubby ones, always give me good vibes no matter how bored, depressed or down I feel.
Some of you may not believe me but when I go to public places especially in churches and malls during Sundays, I look for cute babies instead of handsome and hunk boys to cheer me up.
When my brother.Albert, still haven't entered the seminary, he would go to church with me and my parents. Sometimes when we know Mama and Papa are not in good terms or when we just feel too sleepy to attend mass, we would look for Hamster Baby, that adorable litol baby boy that we keep on seeing in church. He doesn't really look like a hamster but there's something so hamster-ish with his shiny, innocent eyes and fixed cute facial expression. We can't stop staring at him during mass and we sometimes even plan to kidnap him, build a giant hamster wheel for him at our house and feed him with giant cheese. HE IS JUST TOO CUTE TO BE TRUE.
There was also this moment that my brother Noel and I haven't been talking for days and I was about to cry while I was again attending mass when I suddenly saw a kid playing with his toy car on the seats in front of me. He saw me looking at him and he gave me a shy and cute smile. I waved at him and he waved back then covered his eyes. The boy actually looked like he would be the future son of Dharel James so imagine my suprise when I asked the kid's grandmother what his name is--- IT'S BRYAN JAMES! The kid stopped me from crying with his cuteness and he even blew me a kiss without actually using his hand but just his lips when he bid me goodbye.
And just today after two days of BV and dissappointment, Regae, the son of Macky's cousin, made me forget about all the shit I've been through lately. I was really feeling cranky today since I didn't have a good day yesterday and on my way to work, I dropped my cellphone pouch in the taxi which (I was pretty glad for this) only has my favorite keychain attached to it. I was already sulking when Max texted me that his cousin would come by to finally take Eldar from me to him. So I went out to meet her...
....and when I saw the adorable, little chinito baby boy inside the car, I swear the world seemed brighter, I almost heard birds singing and saw the rainbow showing across the clear, blue sky! The kid then smiled and waved at me and my heart just melted, vanishing all the negative emotions I've been carrying with it. His dad put him down on the passenger's seat, and when I was just about to look for him, I saw him peeking just to have a look at me, he would again smile shyly then look at his dad when I finally caught him looking. Aww, the kid is just too adorable!!!
I'm just really thankful as to how God makes me happy. I am just really amazed that through "little" things like kids and babies, he makes me realize how wonderful life is no matter many things dissapoint us, people put us down and experiences make us feel that life is not worth living.
And I hope someday when the right time comes, I could make God feel how thankful I am for them through loving and taking care of my own precious kids.
applegamboaon Thursday, July 1, 2010
In the newsroom while reporters Nelson Canlas and Aubrey Carampel were talking... Nelson: Nagalit daw sa'tin si Hayden Kho! Aubrey: O bakit? Nelson: Hindi daw tayo unang gumamit ng 3D camera! Aubrey: Siya daw? Nelson: Oo siya daw! Ung video daw nila ni Katrina, 3D daw un, kala lang natin blurry!
This is just one of the reasons why I love my work :)